Every day I am confronted with the realities that hide behind the statistics of failed relationships. I see people who believe that dating is limited to only someone that exists inside their circle of familiarity. I see individuals who view dating as too much trouble, and don't have enough time to pursue it after a day in the office. I see others who believe they must know everything about a person before the thought of a date becomes a reality. They all come to see me because they yearn for social vitality.
As a therapist, one of the top questions I’m frequently asked is, which method of dating is better? Is online dating versus meeting someone offline best to find the perfect date, or someone to spend the rest of your life with? I believe the answer is clear, there is no one-size fits all formula. Online or Internet dating is a dating experience that allows individuals to contact and communicate with one another over the Internet. This experience is usually tied to the objective of finding and developing a satisfying relationship.
I should point out, however, that not all in the dating world are seeking satisfying relationships, some are in the proverbial game for all the wrong reasons – and they lie. Both online and traditional dating come with the reality of hidden agendas and deception. Isn’t it up to each of us to ferret out what is real and what is fiction? Whether pursuing online or traditional dating, the idea of seeking a satisfying relationship rooted in safety, certainty, and security, while at the same time desiring the adventure, mystery and novelty that a new person can bring is a paradox. It is a puzzle that’s not an either-or situation, but one where you can get the benefits of each while also recognizing the limitations of each.
Online dating services usually provide unmoderated matchmaking over the Internet, through the use of personal computers or cell phones. It has quickly become the most popular way to discover that special someone, and find a satisfying relationship to nurture. Online dating can be described as an archeological field trip – you never know who you’ll meet or what you’ll find. Online dating provides a layer of protection not found in traditional dating since you don’t have to physically meet the individual until you are completely comfortable and secure in your interactions. For added personal security in online dating, be careful when deciding to share personal contact information until you’re comfortable with the person’s character. Furthermore, if you decide to meet, make the initial date in a public place like a restaurant or cafe before opting for something more casual. The same basic rules apply in traditional dating scenarios, especially if the person is someone you met at a bar or someone with no shared social connections.
The limitations and uncertainties around COVID-19 impede traditional dating agendas. Church, school, businesses, the grocery store, get-togethers with family and friends, standing in lines, coffee shops, bookstores, social gatherings, sporting events, the beach, the gym, walking the dog – there are an unlimited number of ways of meeting people. There are people who don’t feel comfortable approaching strangers in public, and there are plenty of people who don’t bother because they assume most attractive people are involved with someone else. That is one of my main points: online dating allows you to filter, screen, take it slow, look for red flags, stay connected with society, eliminate boredom, social isolation, and get connected again. Online dating affords you the opportunity to be the voyeur and see who’s single, has common interests, common beliefs, and goals before you ever reach out. These days, society is vast and busy, too stressed, too involved in work, and too tired to get out and find a date the traditional way. Remember, COVID-19 has changed the rules of engagement and might make online dating the most efficient way to stay connected.
Traditional dating can be a scheduling problem and difficult to manage, with online access one can better prioritize and utilize organizational skills easier because access is always just a click away (available 24/7). I often help individuals understand that communication skills can be improved by verbally expressing precisely what you want or expect from another person. What a better way to express expectations and wants than through a virtual connection that offers a forum of free expression with added safety. Maybe it’s safe to say that online dating can help enhance the human need for security and stability, which propels us toward the search for a satisfying relationship. If you have contempt for online dating, I’m thinking you may have had an overwhelmingly bad experience or no experience with it at all. Remember, the simple fact for most people is that a significant amount of communication is done electronically. Online dating and chatting strangers up at bars, banks, and grocery stores, aren’t mutually exclusive and we can have both.
Whether creating an Internet dating profile leads you to marriage or not, searching for love online can be part of your dating regime. Shopping online is mainstream, finding a job online from a message board or LinkedIn can help you find your dream job. Do you think the online dating profile sounds too good to be true? There’s reason to be suspect because some people are dishonest, in day to day living as well as on dating sites. Both sexes tell tall tales about their height, lighten the reality of their respective weight and hold on to their youth by underestimating their age while inflating their income to embellish themselves. The beauty of all of these facets of the human element is that there’s plenty of time for the other person to “size” you up once a face-to-face meeting happens. People will know on the first date that your photographs were the single most deceptive element of your online profile. You’re not going to win over someone by lying, in other words, online dating isn’t any different than meeting someone the traditional way, eventually the truth will be discovered.
In our world of instant communication, we tend to supplement our relationships with an assortment of technological devices in the hope that all these gizmos will strengthen our connection to others. This social frenzy seems to mask a profound hunger for human contact. If you truly think about the reality of it all, isn’t it true that meeting someone online is really no different than meeting the person in the ‘real world?' You are still using texting, email, facebook, and other online media to interact and communicate with people.
Think of online dating as an opportunity to set aside your outdated expectations, embrace the momentum, and see every encounter as potential for excitement and novelty. In the words of Proust, “The real voyage of discovery consist not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” Many couples you encounter these days will tell you, with a smile, we met online!