While the forced togetherness at home recently with COVID-19 has been fun at times, it also has added significant stress to our families and relationships.  This time may be especially challenging for our teens, with worries about health, temporary loss of some of their freedoms, lack of their normal schedules, missing their activities, and the inability to spend in-person time with peers.  They are dealing with cancelled proms and graduations and a lot of disappointment right now.  And, probably also, like many of us, are feeling a bit bored.

However, even during normal times, the teenage years can be quite a challenge- both for teens and parents!  Not only are teenagers experiencing lots of changes in their bodies with hormones circulating, their brains are continuing to develop and are not yet fully mature.  In fact, the part of the brain that plans, anticipates consequences, regulates mood, controls impulses, and does more abstract thinking isn’t thought to fully develop until age 24!!  In the midst of this and while still under your roof and guidance, teens are gaining independence and learning to navigate more difficult school assignments, challenging work situations, consequences of moral choices, and complex social interactions.

Helping them reason, make good choices, and gain independence and confidence as they approach these new experiences is so important.  Keeping communication open with your teen during this time is vital to helping them navigate these new challenges.  Here are a few suggestions to help you do that.

1.  Listen, listen, listen.  Take advantage of any opportunity you have to listen to them.  If they are willing to talk and share, even if it is 11 pm at night when you are exhausted and ready for bed, take them up on it.  Although less common now during COVID-19, sitting side by side in the front seat of the car is often a great way to talk- rather than the pressure they may feel with face-to-face eye contact.  Try not to interrupt or jump in with too much advice, but listen to their thoughts and feelings.

2. Ask good questions.  This can be a challenge, but work hard to ask good questions.  Don’t pressure them, but if your teen is ready to talk, avoid questions with simple yes or no answers.  Instead, inquire how they feel or think about situations.  Ask questions leading them to come up with solutions to their problems and think about how their choices may impact them and others.  Advice is okay and good to give at times, but we want them to feel valued and heard and to know that we are confident in their abilities to think for themselves and problem solve.

3. Don’t display shock.  If you want your children to be comfortable and open with you, don’t display shock at things they tell you.  Even if it is something awful or crazy or hard to believe, stay calm and don’t overreact (at least in their presence).  They will be much less likely to open up with you in the future if you hit the roof when they share something with you.

4. Express interest in things they are interested in.  This can be tough if it isn’t necessarily your cup of tea, but learning a little about that video game or TV show so you can have intelligent conversation with them goes a long way to show that you are interested in their lives and interests.  If it is music you don’t approve of, it might be worth listening to it together and discussing the words - what they really mean and how you find it negative or devaluing to others.

5. Let them fail and learn from the consequences.  This may sound crazy and is hard to do, but it is so important to let your teenager reap the consequences of their behaviors/choices now as they are still under your guidance and protection.  Recognize that it is better for them to experience smaller consequences now for poor decisions and learn from them.  Don’t rescue them from every little situation.  Give them appropriately increasing responsibility.  Let them see that their actions have consequences and let them know that you have confidence in their abilities to figure out what to do and how to handle circumstances.

Hang in there, parents!  Listen, stay calm, and give your teenagers, as well as yourself, tons of grace.  As challenging as this time can be, we know you love your teens and want what is best for them.  And, in maybe 10 years or less, you will be surprised how much smarter you might appear in their eyes! 

- Dr. Santorum and your JCP staff.