Many couples frequently complain about porn use as a major problem in their relationships. Pornographic videos and images delivered to a portable device and viewed in secrecy can definitely be a stumbling block for satisfying relationships. Many come to my office wanting their partner “fixed,” meaning one person in the relationship labels accessing legal erotic images or videos on the Internet as just “wrong.” While I understand the global theme of porn and every perspective that porn offers, I typically redirect focus to the etiology of how the once fiery relationship flipped, and suddenly became the boring relationship. Making the choice to watch porn is what I try to understand first and foremost, yet it is a subject that is typically difficult to address openly and verbally.
It is amazing how easy it is to watch porn, yet it can be so difficult to talk about.
Is watching porn as egregious or disrespectful as relaxing our fitness agenda after marriage? I am amazed at how taboo the topic of fitness and being healthy becomes in many relationships. Does pornography trump not being honest about your sexual needs, desires, or sexual fantasies with your partner? Many individuals in relationships report feeling negative about porn, “I’ll never look like that” or “Why am I not enough?” Truth be told, many people admit hating the way their bodies look and admit committing to feeling and looking better is “too much work.” A person’s self-esteem and/or feelings about their body are often potent indices of their reactivity to porn. Discovering porn on a partner’s computer or phone can be an opportunity to understand more about them. It is amazing how much energy is produced when porn use is addressed as, “Let’s talk about what this really means” instead of asking “Why are you doing this to me?” Can the secret use of porn be a symptom of the unwanted sexual silence in many relationships? Is sex easy to have but hard to talk about?
If viewing erotica is ubiquitous, does that mean everyone is a porn addict? Perceived pornography addiction may not be an actual addiction at all, it could be an imposed label tied to an impoverished understanding of a person’s sexuality. People who believe themselves to be porn addicts may see it differently if they focused more on what their desire for porn truly means. Men as well as women benefit from education about their own sexuality and understanding the attraction to what has been labeled as the forbidden. Labeling porn use as “pathological” can be an attempt to rob another of their sexual taste, preferences, interest, and fantasies. Is pornography a scapegoat for couples who refuse to learn the language of their significant others? Is pornography an easy target to hit when searching for something to blame for the lack of vitality within your relationship?