Renewal may be the essential quality of life both in nature and in ourselves, so we need to keep a fluid sense of ourselves over our whole lifetime. But understanding and accepting change and flexibility is about true courage. A mechanical structure that’s frigidly rigid will soon break, but one strong enough to be malleable can bend and weather the tides of change. In the same way, having a supple vision for your satisfying relationship is key to keeping it alive, rich, and fulfilling over time, while hanging onto an inflexible plan that doesn’t permit changes is a recipe for relational chaos.
Nothing is more dynamic than a living, breathing relationship. The myth of marrying young and living “happily ever after, til death do us part” doesn’t allow for the rapid changes of modern life or for our increasing life spans. Our jobs and careers changes with our interests, fashion shifts with the decades, children grow and so do we. Our ever-changing world and self requires that we stay current with our surroundings to ensure we’re maintaining our own personal balance. Without diligent tending, our lives can become stagnant and brittle, leaving us wondering what happened to our comfort zone.
Why is change important? For me, the answer turns out to be the same metaphorically as literally. I can maintain my flexibility and sustain vitality. Change often requires complex calculations and risk to arrive at the best answer in any given situation. Addressing change may see you taking a step back to identify new ways to adapt to the changes that the world and the people in it send our way. We must take courageous action to restore the sense of security we had before the reality of change disrupted our old comfort levels. As Nichiren Daishonin wrote, "A sword is useless in the hands of a coward." You can’t force anyone else to become happy with change if you yourself are unhappy with the ever-changing reality of change.
The good news is that we can start right now to apply what we do understand about feeling safe with the changes we face daily and begin to cultivate a sense of self that’s balanced within all the relationships we find satisfying.
Make a commitment to talk about your visions for your life with someone you value at least once a year, no matter what the nature of the relationships is.